Date:	2005-04-30 15:47
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	Mariah Carey

its been a while...
got in trouble last saturday, so i dont have a car or a phone...:(
but i shall get it back soon.
well im bout to start having to pay for my phone bill, which wont be tooo much but it will be enough to make me have to start working more often...dang
had some MAJOR(<is that how you spell it?) stress this past week, and its made me lowkey sick, but everything happens for a reason, no matter how hard that is to understand. and i have to except that and just roll with things, and dont try and fix shit that i cant. oh well...everyone has rough times...WHAT DOESNT KILL YOU, MAKES YOU STRONGER!!!

Date:	2005-03-17 14:54
Subject:	ill make her
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed
Music:	gorilla black

so i have tried very hard to ignore the stares, and the "mugs"
but its getting pretty hard to ignore such a face.
it pisses me off that im pissed off.
someone like that should not affect me, in any way!
im NOT jealous...just to let everyone know.
i certainly have no reason to be.
i should be able to let things slide, but she looks at me one more time the wrong fucking way i will say something and if she doesnt have shit to say to my face, then ill make her fucking say something...
ill fucking make her.

hey everyone! craziness how i actually feel ok with my life right now. even tho not everything in it is going GREAT. i dont mind, and ive learned to not let things bother me so much. if i hear something i dont like, and i cant do anything about it, then fuck it. if i hear something that i can do something about, then you better beleive i will say something, or try hard to make shit better. like lately, there has been mad drama at school, im not stressing about it, cuz its all pretty damn stupid. but i tried to solve shit and talk about what the hell everyones problem is, but everyone just seemed content enough to let things be stupid and wierd. and if you dont have the guts to say somthing to someones face, and can only say shit through some text messages then your stupid, and your really immature, and dont tell me you dont have a problem with me, when u talk about me behind my beck, but its cool, cuz no one needs you...yep i said it, and if you wanna hear it in person, then holla at me, and ill say it to your face. ANYHOO...on a not so much lighter note...me and david arent exactly together anymore. technically we arent, but i still love him to very same. im at a point in my life, where im still young as fuck, and all i want to do is have fun with my life, and when i feel like i have to walk on egg shells like everyday and everyweekend, i dont have fun. im NOT saying that i have to be a hoe and go out and do stupid shit with people to have fun, thats not the point, the point is, i dont feel free do be me, when i know that my other half is fucking 10 hours away, and i cant see him like ever! i think that it would be different if he has come home already, but he hasnt and hes not going to for awhile, so i mean, i feel like im waiting for something thats not going to happen. i said to him,"if we are really meant to be in the future then lets see what happens in the future. right now i need to do what i do, and you need to get out the house every once in a while and live life. so when you get back and you have more of a life, then we can see where 'us' goes, and if it goes somewhere worth emotion and time and love then thats whats meant to be, and thats what will be." he was upset, i mean i would be too if someone told me that and i had nothin to say back to them to convince them otherwise. even though the decision is hard as hell, i feel that its the best choice right now, and thats what feels right to me, and i think thats how i (and everyone else) should live their lives...by whatever feels right to them. it feels good to write it down, ive been thinking about it for days! and i havent really seen it written down yet...and its really relieved some bullshit to see this on something real, and not just apparent in my head, which can sometimes really fuck things up...my head, thats what i blame for most of the shit i go through, but ya kno, i mean what can i do? nothin, and thats what ill do, nothing, ill just live and see where shit takes me, ill do what i HAVE to do and then ill chill, and if shit works out then holla, if it doesnt then i need to change something. well on a again not so bright note... MARIO VAZQUEZ IS FUCKING OUT OF THE AMERICAN IDOL COMPETITION... I AM SO FUCKING PISSED, HE FUCKING DROPPED OUT, FOR 'PERSONAL REASONS'...AND LEFT ME OUT HIGH AND DRY!!! I WANTED HIM TO WIN SOOO BAD, AND HE WAS GOING TO FOR REAL!!!! DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN AND HES SOOOOO DAMN FINE TOO!!!! ILL MISS HIM... I LOVE YOU MARIO!!!

Date:	2005-02-18 12:06
Subject:	again?!
Security:	Public
Mood:	dirty
Music:	alicia keys

i really really wish i could say everything was perfect~
becuz thats of course the way i want it to be.
but its not...
when something is missing from a life that isnt even tight to begin with SUCKS!
i miss miss miss him, and everything about him.
i get trapped in these stressful situations, and i dont seem to make the right decisions.
i try, i try really hard!
toright. do right, thats all i want to do, to do
but i just dont seem to do that.
i always fuck up with in myself, and then it will just bug me for the rest of my life.
well maybe ill let him know after weve been married for about 5 years.
then i know he wont leave me...

Date:	2005-02-14 15:20
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	but...ok
Music:	alicia keys

havent updated in a long time
its not like im busy or anything, just kinda keeping to myself.
i feel like ive been shrinking into myself lately,
like i dont tell people wats really on my mind,
and wats really bothering me.
which is wrong, and feels wrong...but its the only way
i know right now...sorry.
im sorry to the love of my life, who cant be with me, and the GAYEST
day of the year! V-day...BAH!
well anways, hes not here and the day was cloudy and rainy, just
how i feel inside, great.
hell be sending me a present, which i dont want, i dont like presents...
but ill keep it forever and close to my heart, just like i do with him.
i get these doubts, that im sure everyone gets, even the married ones out there...(dont deny it!)
and they have been scaring me slash releasing me at the same time, and that unfortunately has been scaring all the rest of the people i care about.
my doubts are too deep to shake. i can cover them, no problem, but then thats lying again...damn
but they arent so strong that i would ever act on them, ya kno? they are just there...
i guess thats just something you have to live with right? doubts.
they are alwats going to be around i have figured...and hey if they arent for you, then your one lucky bastard!
but for the rest of us, (normal people) we have to live with doubt, and what a pain it is...

SCHOOLS OUT!!!!! hopefully we wont have school tomorrow!
well i havent written in a while...and i dont really think its because i have been very busy.
I have been busy with school, and cheerleading, and trying to learn a back flip, buts its taking longer then i expected.
im getting ok grades, it seems like i try really hard and the results do not show my effort.

everything else with like david and stuff is good...i just really miss him alot!
i miss the kisses, the hugs, and holding eachother on the couch on the late night.
he is one of my all time best friends
we talke everyday, even if its not for a long at a time, like how it used to be.
his hours are quite rare...about 4pm-2am
so...

anways i have met this person...and they are really cool. i can talk to them and not get bored, i can be myself and not feel like they are judging me in a bad way.
they are funny, and nice, and fun, and interesting...
im kind of weary about what talking to him might bring.
ive told david about it...so all you nosies...im NOT CHEATING ON ANYONE HERE!!! hahaha
just making that clear!!
i have to go do some homework...*pinching my nose and making a silly face* HAHAHAHA

LUV

Date:	2005-01-03 11:11
Subject:	2005!!!
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored
Music:	killa cam

so the year has begun!!
what shall 2005 bring?
i hope some changes for the good... i want to be surprised in more ways then one!
update on lover boy:
1.his parents sent him the money from his car
2.hes prolly going to come home this month
3.his sister got the new apartment, they moved in last week
4.he has a school orientation on the 6th...then he will know what his schedule is
5.he saw the back of cameron diaz's head!

thats basically it...not to much going on...i hope that number 2, especially, comes true.
life has been on the verge of going insane boring!
i cant seem to do any work, ive been reading the DA VINCI CODE...its pretty good.
cant concentrate, and now that school is back in full swing, i dont know what that means for my grades!
oh well...to tell you the truth i dont really give a fuck...although now that i think about it, i dont really have a fuck to give. mmmm something to contemplate.
so anyways...basically im out and bored for the rest of the day/week/month(unless he comes home)
and to whoever finds it funny to prank call someone 3 times every night after 12...is really the stupidest peice of shit on this fucking earth...why they would spend their weekends/nights finding time enough to call me and not say anything is beyond me!

WHY DONT YOU FUCKING GET A LIFE...AND STAY OUTA MINE!!!

to everyone else however...PEACE-LOVE-AND make the most possible of the new year!

^^^^bet you cant guess what that means ^^^^
Ha, even if you did find out, you wouldn think i was a total loser.
today went to school, basically toture. Curds is on that ridiculous shit, basically 78! um NO!
hollered @ my boo all day with txts, and loved every second of it.
if yall want an update on his situation then let it be known:
1.his parents sold his car...but wont send him the $
2.his parents dont want him to come home for Christmas
3.his sister wants him to go to Flordia for Christmas with Miguels fam
4.his siter wants to get a new apartment, and he has to start paying 1/4 of the rent
5.but thats all good, cuz he got a job at a really nice resteraunt in Manhattan and he says awhole bunch of rich people go there to eat.

so basically thats whats going on with him, over there...so far away, over there!
went to flipsters today with anna, niq, and leeshie just like we do every wednesday.
and basically me and niq, and leeshie have BACK HANDSPRINGS!!!
obviously there are a few things we need to work on, and we cant exactly do it on the hard wooden floor of the YS gym...but we WILL get there, and hopefully if we dont have it by the middle or end of this season, there will be no stopping us for next season...we WILL BUST THE F OUT!
oh im working on this new thing where i dont cuss all the time, its a cleansing method that i think should help with some stress build up im having. lol
LUV

well well well...what to say about life.
basically things in some aspects of it are going ok...some things arent.
some people are getting on my last nerve, some people i just can get enough of.
i really miss david, and imight not get to see him for christma, cuz he might not be comeing back in town. :(
that means i wont see him till like summer!!!!!! do you know how many months from now that is!
i dont even know if i cant wait that long, and be sane for his return.
ive been really tired lately, prolly becuz i spend every night talking to him in ny...
i bet my phone bill is bout to be SKY HIGH!!!
oh well, ill chalk up a 100 dollars to talk to him everynight!!! and text him every two mintues!
well i hope that everyone elses life is going ok...only wish the best for some of you.
its 8 and i already want to hit the sack ( no homo )
im out
LUV

Date:	2004-11-18 16:24
Subject:	you poopoo head
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	mmm...something with rkelly-jayz-twista...

well...hey everyone whos reading this!!!
how is everything?!
everything good?
thats great!
off to the play, the sound board needs me! without me the play just could not go on!!! SIKE I DONT DO SHIT!

Haha i laugh at everyone who trys to hurt me with their gay ass remarks.
but its all good, cuz while they think im crying, im cracking up at how stupid they are making themselves sound.
basically if your a salty dude who is trying to get under my skin...please, keep trying!
and basically if your a stupid bitch who is trying to start shit by telling people something im not...lick my clit, cause from what you say, i would like it! right
and if you have a problem with something, like how someone keeps texting me and calling me. then tell me to my face, dont be salty and talk it behind my back.
ill tell you the truth and whats really up.
hope you think im a better friend then someone who would keep something from you and sneak around behind your back.
but other then all that...which (again) makes me laugh when i think about it, life is great! this weekend will be fun!
luv

Date:	2004-11-13 14:43
Subject:	jail time
Security:	Public
Mood:	bitchy
Music:	im deaf

so...i love everyone and everything!
Holla Back

i'm sick of being let down...
i'm sick of being lied to...
i'm sick of having no hope...
i'm sick of having no dreams...
i'm sick of being tired,
and beaten while i'm down...
i'm sick having loved you,
and you not loving me...

i think that i need to not get so involved. i think that while i still hurt on the inside and RARELY show it on the outside, i want to not care anymore.
i want to be the person who doesnt cry over people when they shit on her life. i dont want to be the girl who NEEDS him! cause thats not who i am, whatsoever!
so i dont know right now, basically i know for sure ill talk to him...this always happens.
but what makes me really mad, is that i really thought for two seconds that this time it wouldnt, and that this time shit would turn out good. but its not, and of course im stuck in the same old shitty position of trying to figure out what to do.
i dont think its the not calling that hurts the most, i think its the knowing inside of myself that he doesnt care enough to give me the time of day anymore, and he deosnt care enough to take 2 mintues out of his day to call and ask me whats up with my life...and he doesnt care about anybodies life except his and that he doesnt realize that his actions take effect on everyone in his life...selfishness is the evil in all of us.
it hurts when i think about who he kicks it with when he goes missing from everyone.
and then how when he comes back to reality, how what he did wasnt a big deal, when in fact it most certainly was.
i think it hurts when i know he goes home, and i know he thinks about calling me...and then he just doenst. he cant make himself pick up the phone and exert energy into talking to me for 2 seconds.
i know it hurts when i think about how many times hes done this to me, and how many times he says that he wont ever do it again.
i know it hurts when i think about the lies, and the problems they caused.
and after all this shit he put me through, all i want for him is happiness.
i want him to say to someone that hes happy with his life.
and im willing to step down, if it means that it will make him happy.
because it seems that everytime he commits himself to something, or someone, that one little thing has to always go wrong and fuck it up for everybody and him.
and its so damn conveinent when everytime things are goinly decently well he does something to ruin it, once again.
it hurts to think that he doesnt understand what hes doing...that he just doesnt get whats going on
and it hurts even more to think about how he doesnt care who he hurts, or how many problems it has casued.
i thought we had a good thing, and i thought it would last a while.
but i guess i was wrong, i was wrong about the type of person he is, i was wrong about how he treats people, i was wrong in thinking that he was different then other people, and i was wrong about letting him back into my life.
but i couldnt help it, because i can honestly say that i loved him.
i loved the way he would look at me, after not seeing me for a couple days.
i loved the way he would call me at the weirdest hours of the night, because he didnt have anything to do the next day and of course i had school.
i loved how he could come to me and talk to me about what was going on in his life
i loved how i thought about him, and how i knew he was thinking about me.
but now and im sad to say...that at the same time i still have mad love for that boy, i have mad hate for him too.
the kind of hate that makes you physically sick, to the point where you just want to throw up and maybe that will cure you from this disease of disgust.
the kind of hate that when something reminds you of him, you tighten your jaw and your fists and you feel like punching the person in front of you, even if it might be your best friend.
the kind of hate that causes you to be evil to everything and everyone that you come to face with.
the kind of hate that makes you care about nothing, the kind that makes you want to change who you are, your total existence...that kind of hate that makes you want to die.
i hate how i hate, and i hate how i feel like i need to hate...
do i need to hate? do i need to feel like dieing?
or is it that i want to hate, i want to die...
maybe i just feel sorry for myself...and i dont want to think that im doing that, because i dont strive for attention.
i only ask and want one thing, from everyone in my life...honesty.
tell me what the deal is, if you dont like me then fine! dont fucking pretend you do.
if you dont love me, then fine! dont act like you have those feelings
if you want something, if you need me, if you just wanna talk, if you wanna cry...FUCKING TELL ME!!
i will understand. the truth hurts most of the time, but id rather hear the truth and it sting then be lied to consistently and stabbed over and over and over again, and be left there to bleed to death, while i see your face above mine, and all you do is stand there and watch.
i want that freedom of knowing what your thinking and how your feeling.
and well if your not willing to allow me that freedom then i cant be with you.
i cant see you, i cant talk to you, and i cant rememeber you.
i can look at a photograph and see your face next to mine, and i can read a letter and touch the fabrics...but i wont remember you.
all of that is material shit, that means nothin. it did at one point, but not now, all it is to me now is a pile of junk, that has that one sad angry label on it... fucking bullshit
and thats your label...i hope you like it.
you made it for yourself, and now you have to live with it, for the rest of your life. and someday someone will love you again, like i loved you...and i hope he/she will give you all that you want and need from them (like i did) and you know what i hope? i fucking hope that he/she will not have to go through hell and back for you to love them in return. i really hope that you see how good they are to you (how good i was to you) and you appreciate it, dont be selfish and dont take any of it for granted...cause you never know when youll get a chance to love again...its a beautiful thing to cherish and an awful thing to waste.

i just have one wish for you...
i wish that you find happiness, i REALLY REALLY do!
cause thats all i wanted for you from the begining. that one thing...happiness


I Love You

Date:	2004-11-07 15:00
Subject:	Its over now...Move over
Security:	Public
Mood:	determined
Music:	i dont know what this is...?

well...
boys lost last night, but they played good.
basically the WHOLE town was out for the game AND
it was like 45 min away.
but they didnt get regionals, but its ok.
went to bed early last night, didnt really have much to do,
been putting off homework the whole weekend.
weird people called me at like 4 in the morning, and bugged me
and i was so asleep i can barely rememeber what it was about, but
i know it was weird...
today, got up early..?
went to the mall, got some new clothes, NOT MAD!
some perfume from hollister...and a purse.
came home and now im forcing myself to do this english bullshit.
but ill get thru it, its just a letter! haha
im out
luv

Enough happened to me this week and weekend!
damn i dont think i can even write all the drama that went on!lol
but i think everythings all good now...
except for one person, but its ok, everything will fan out,
and hopefully everything will be the same as it has been the past few weeks.
the boys soccer team smashed!! YES district champs BABY!
went to the movies, and had a tire blow out...!
but everything went out...
the football team GOT smashed, but it wasnt bad...we scored and they didnt score half as much in the second half as they did in the first! lol
but anyways, im bout ready to go to L'Nissas partaaa!
HOLLA `n` LOVE

Date:	2004-10-17 19:33
Subject:	GAME OVER...IN MORE WAYS THEN 1
Security:	Public
Mood:	pissed off
Music:	drop it like its hot-snoop dogg

basically me and david dont talk anymore
sad, but predicted...shit was hitting the fan

won our game saturday to DC! HELL YEA!

bout to go watch new york minute...good shit

empty spaces arent filled quickly, or easily...
but they are, eventually.

BEASTED on some Christains from Troy!!!
Not mad at a GREAT season...now the YS LADY DOGS are 8-2-3!!!
we are about to play Middletown next tuesday, and we are going to smash.
this weekend was fun, i went to the game last night, then went to see Friday Night Lights at regal with david, then i came home, david stayed over for a couple hours, went to sleep at like 2:30.
woke up this morning at like 9:30.
david came over, chilled before he dropped me off at the street fair, got something to eat, sat and kicked it with Niquelle and Maddy and Kilan and Ben and James.
basically just talked and roasted ryan for being in the dark, alone with Britney Medly...its whatever!
YUCK!!!
went to my game...beasted...
came home, took a shower, my aunt was in town so we chilled for a bit, and now im bout to head up to the boys game at West Liberty...HOLLLA good game i can feel it!
well nothing else really to talk about, no drama lowkey, just chill.
luv

Date:	2004-10-04 19:06
Subject:	woah! (sp)
Security:	Public
Mood:	flirty
Music:	lets go-lil jon

GREAT day on saturday!!!
basically megan spent the night on friday, mad fun that night!
woke up went to her little sisters game, then went to the mall to get niquelles present...
cause saturday was her BIRTHDAY!!!!
went to my game...YELLOW SPRINGS BEAT MIAMI VALLEY!!!!!! 4-1 BABY!
then stayed for the dudes game, they tied...but they will whip that ass in 9 days!!! im counting down!
anwyays after the boys game went to Burger King, then to krogers to clown. basically stole some lipgloss...not mad becuz otherwise i would easily been payed 10 bucks for that shit.
after that we all went to kyles..it was THAT HOT SHIT!! people were dancing, smoking, drinking, laughing, clowning, getting it on...it was alright!
even anna banana came out!!! i was surprised and very happy!:)
spent the night over alishas after kyles...
thats whats up!
went to my class BBQ on sunday...called off work and told them i was on crutched, cuz i was not even trying to go in...
anyways...finished my bio project..holla at cha girl!
finished my shit for history, not a real class by the way!
and OMG, my grades were shitty as hell this midterm, i thought i was really doing good, oh well. i guess im just going to have to try harder, holla!
well im out, after i talk to roski toski with the moski flowskis
~1luv

Date:	2004-09-26 12:25
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	chipper
Music:	go dj-lil wayne

last night was hilarious!
basically went to the hispanic fest with racheal, erin, kristen and her friend jen or jenna(?).
lowkey there was a CREW there from ys, and it was real fun, dancing and seeing all these drunk white people dance!
there was this hippy dude that was trying to back it up on erin, it was comedy!
but then we left and went to steak and shake, and met up with becky and bethany and that was fun cuz we were just clowning, and becky has the funniest laugh ever!
then we went to laurens and stayed for awhile, then me, erin and rachel went to go pick up duncan from emilys, which was fucking crazy...and im sure everyone has heard about it already,
but then i got tired and just went home, and then stayed on the phone till 4 in the morning!
got up at fucking 10 this morning and went to lowes, and then the mall and got the cutest sweater from hollister and some really good smelling lotion from american eagle, and then practiced manuverablilty in the hs parking lot and did pretty damn good if i do say so myself...
so now i think im going to go watch some tv, be lasy and finish taking some bio notes on Enzymes...HAHA bio is a big joke!
-holla-

I really dont know what to do, as i fucking type tears roll down my face and onto the keyboard...and i cant stop crying. i want to tear at everything in my life and rip it into shreds...becuz everything is fucked up and i cant deal with it anymore, but i dont know if i could live without any of it ya kno?
i really love some of the things tha occupy my time, but when things go wrong with those things then i wont them out!! i dont want to know them anymore! i just want to stop them from ever coming back into my life, and i dont want to deal with the bullshit that goes along with all of it!!!!!
i cant help but hate everything at this moment, and nothing anyone says will change my mind...except maybe my girls...who you know im spending the night with tonight, and we are going to kick it and talk about STUPID BITCHES who are a waste of all our time...i dont want to keep writing, my hands hurt...but my tears are falling less and less and i think the typing helps...i havent wrote in awhile becuz of school and soccer and stuff...soccer really takes up 10 times more time then school does, which is weird, but im not mad.
GOD! im so pissed off!!!
I DONT HAVE A WAY INTO TOWN...GAY FAGS ARE RUNNING AROUND like they dont have any sense...i have to go before i fucking spill someones name on this thing and start more drama then there is already...even thought anyone who is reading this prolly already knows who the fuck im talking about..
im out